Divine Control........

Thy Will Be Done

Keep It Simple!


Reading over my last two posts February & October of last year, 2012 is certainly a better year than last. This past Sunday was the 1st AA meeting I attended in idk how long. I can't remember when the last time I had gone to a meeting. I knew something was wrong because I wasn't feeling all that great inside. On the outside I was an emotional wreck. On the inside, I was falling apart. I felt like Janet & Michael in "Scream" haha Seriously on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Routine has gotten the best of me and I only can make changes happen. I'm not fond of changes. I'm used to doing the same thing over and over and over without hesitation. But past experiences has taught me that it's only led me to insanity. What does that mean for me? Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. But I was reminded that attending meetings is the only way that I'm able to live a happy, joyous & free kinda life. Career wise, I'm where I want to be. I've dreamt of being part owner for a long time and it's finally happening this year. I'm really excited too but anyhoo......

I am reminded that Alcoholic's Anonymous was a life saver for me. Depression led me to attempted suicide and AA brought me hope that I don't have live the life I was living. I finally have someone that I trust enough to help me at work. And it's given me some free time. I attended Sunday's meeting and sitting there felt like being home. Lambda will always be home but I'm a little hesistant. I'm not ready to go back just quite......hearing everyone share their stories on hope rekindled my hope & faith in God that this program does work if I just give it the chance. Isolation isn't good for me. But today I remind myself to Keep It Simple. That simple saying means so much. I'm far being perfect. The imperfections are only a reminder that I'm human. I'm trying and that is all that matters to me today!

I haven't written in awhile. I felt no need to until this past weekend. I would have never thought in a million years that one of the greatest vocalist of our time would pass so soon. She was only 48 years old. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I know God needed her more so than we did. She's in heaven now resting. She's in heaven to sing upon the Angels in heaven. Death is a time for mourning and joy. At this very moment I'm mourning. I'm past the initial shock. I'm celebrating as I always did listening to her music. Her music brought me great JOY & HAPPINESS that no one has ever done, depressed, hurt, joy, happy, excited and the most important expression of all, LOVE! As a little kid, I was only 8 years old when I first started listening to Whitney. I would dance and sing wanting to be like her. My parents got me two little records for Christmas one year which I still have put up in plastic. That year was the best Christmas ever!

I was at work. I passed by phone. I saw the incoming texts thinking it was sort of cruel joke. My heart dropped. Shattered! Broken! Hurt! Angry! Shock! I felt lost and empty. I'm an adult. I understand we aren't related. I understand she isn't part of my family. I understand why "some people" wouldn't understand the way I feel. They don't have to understand! We all have our "thing" that gets us thru the day when we're having a bad day or experiencing the greatest joy ever felt known to man, being in love! Whitney did that for me! I am truly saddened that I will never be able to experience another performance. But I still have her music that will live on forever. My collection is vast. I have records, dvd concerts, live cd concerts, vhs tapes that I've recorded over the years, cds, t-shirts and posters. Probably the most important thing to me, a concert ticket dated Monday July 3rd, 2000. I was blessed and grateful that I was able to see Whitney Houston in concert at least once in my lifetime.

My heart is broken. Experience has taught me that hearts do mend. It will take time but it will. I will miss Whitney dearly!! I will always love you Ms. Houston!

It's possible.....


I don't even know where to start. I just know I don't want it to be too long before I've written the next post so pretty much this is the reason I've started tonight. I can say this, I've lost 21 lbs and it feels fucking great! I've had some mishaps along the last few weeks but I've done an amazing job and all I can do is praise myself for the job well done I've been doing. I'm been wondering and thinking whether I should make this blog public as it is private. My most personal thoughts out in the open. I guess if it's meant to be then it will happen. No worries right! I should be asleep right now as I've only had about 2 hours asleep the night before. I know I'll sleep like a baby tonight. 7 hours is pretty good.....on another note....

Today I went to look at buying a house. It's a big step and there is a fear of buying it. There isn't anything wrong with a healthy fear but I just know that's natural. I've worked so hard all my life especially these last few years. 2012 looks to be like a better year than this year and this year is/was amazing! 2011 I've made some decisions to only better myself and I'm sticking to it which makes me happy. I'm a little aprehensive about moving. My apartment is so close to work that it's convienence. I don't waste any gas. But owning my own house there is something different about that. It will be mine. It's mine. My hard earned money actually going to something other than a concert ticket. I've spent thousands this year on concert tickets and I don't regret one single second of it either. It was my new years resolution and I've stuck to it. I'm losing weight again which will only be better in the long run. I've opened up a life insurance policy on myself. I'm getting my taxes taken care. I'm getting my credit worked on. I've made a promise to only do better for myself. And for that I'm proud of myself. There is no reason why I should be beating myself up when i'm only doing what's best for me. Good job Joe! Keep it Simple!

It's been two months......

......well almost two months since I've written my last blog post. It seems I only come here when I'm feeling some sort of uncomfortable emotion. And I guess tonight is the night where I've given in to feel what I fear most. It's always a song that makes me think of you. Right now I'm listening to "Yo Queria". It's my own fault. I went to his facebook page. I wish the bitch would just make it private so I couldn't see the photos. I read my last post and what a tear jerker that was. smh. My gosh sometimes I can't believe I'm the one who is writing this stuff. I can say this much, it isn't as intense as it once was. I've changed all of my passwords except for this one......

.....someone like you. I don't feel like writing anymore but I just want to crawl into a corner, curl up like a little baby and just cry. cry. cry. cry and just cry until I have no more tears to cry. I can't believe how the pain can still be there when you really think and concentrate on how great the pain once was. my cheek is wet. it's a reminder of how much hurt you've caused me. how much time I focused on you. how much time I gave. how much misery I was in. how much of a rollercoaster ride this once was. how much time i invested. i wonder if you think of me? I always think of you when the time hits 10:09am/pm. I always will.

It's finally hitting me.....

The love of my life told me he doesn't want anything else to do with me. Wants me to be happy. Wants me to do good with my life. Wishes nothing but the best. At the same time he told me he wants nothing else to do with me. Never wants to see me again. It hurts I am not going to lie. I am sick and tired of hurting. I try and do nothing but good for people. It sucks cause it's always the ones you love the most that end up hurting you the most. I know this isn't the end of the world. I know that things will get better. I know that one day I'll find the person who I will end up setting down with for the rest of my life but today isn't that day.......

I'm sitting here listening to Adele's Someone Like You and can't help thinking of you. I had hopes for us. I wanted everything to turn out for the best of us. You once said you wished that thing were better for us. You once told me I love you. You once told me you were thinking of me. You once told me I made you happy. You once told me that I was perfect just the way I was. I could be myself around you. And now you tell me you regret it! I just don't get it. Next month would have been 4 years since the first time I had laid eyes on you. I don't regret it. This has made me stronger. This will only make me that much stronger!

You Got It You Got It You Got It....


I think lately I kinda start what music I'm listening too and at the moment I am listening to Jennifer Lopez at the moment. I think perhaps maybe why I am having trouble writing is because I am not alone tonight. I think having someone here deters me from what I want to write. It isn't a bad thing. It isn't a wrong thing it is what it is. I drove into baytown earlier this evening and I hate driving into baytown. I don't even like driving to the Antonio's in baytown cause it brings way too many memories. Memories that I don't like think about it. Memories that I don't like dwell on. The past is the past. If I can all help but avoid Baytown I will.....I don't know what to write anymore tonight. I will say this.......I was reading over my past blogs and I promise myself that I will get there again. The determination that I had back then about everything I will get there. I guess what I started with I'll end with.......You Got It You Got It You Got It