Responsibility


I guess I'll start by just typing and seeing where it goes. He called me last week to remind me of the bank account we shared together. wanting to know if he was still on it or what. I told him I realy didn't care. And I don't. I'm really trying to get on with my life. I'm not gambling anymore! I guess circumstances change and we have to change with the times.....I mentioned to my parents that I'm moving out at the end of the month. I guess responsibility is something that I need to embrace. Mother mentioned that maybe me getting robbed a couple of weeks ago was supposed to happen. It's certainly made me realize that I shouldn't go to the gameroom anymore. I guess I've traded another addiction for another. It's not a new addiction just something that was put on the back burner.

I've gained weight and I'm really embarrassed by it. I tell others that I don't care but when inside I really do. I know by eating properly it will all come together. I have faith and hope that it will. I'm doing better for myself today. I really feel that I am. It's not perfect but in time it will get alot better. I'm estactic for whats to come. It's been 12 years since I've attempted to live on my own and I'm welcoming the idea. I can actually run around naked. lol.

Exactly Two Months Later!

What a coincidience? It's 5:23am in the morning and I haven't been to sleep yet. I'm wondering when things will go back to normal. But what is normal? I still miss him. I still love him. The last time we had sex was on the 9th of May. Not too long ago but it seems like ages. I know he called the other day but I ignored his phone calls. I continue to do so. It is getting easier. With the help of therapy I know things will get better. I just need to stop gambling so much. Recently I haven't been losing it's just the fact that after work that is where I spend all my time at. It makes it easy cause I don't have to think about Rico. There I said his name. I love him so. I'm so sleepy right now. I need to get some sleep. I need to go to sleep. I need my rest. It seems I guess I stay I awake till I can't keep my eyes open anymore cause when I turn that light off, all I do is think about him and it hurts so much. The pain is so great. I sometimes feel my heart is going to rip open and all the hurt. The anger. The emotion. The intensity. The guilt. The shame. That intense raw emotion. Will be out in the open and I'll be vunerable once again. Sometimes I think ti's better when my walls of protection our up. Cause abandoment isn't nice. not pretty. nope. no sir. naw I don't like messing with it. I know I need to get my ass back into AA. that is where I belong. it helps so much. I guess I shouldn't think about it and just do it. I think that is all for right now. God please continue bless me. Bless him as well. It's really good that your doing for me and him what we couldn't do for ourselves when we were together. I guess it's better that way for now. I love you Rico! I will always love you!

I Will Always Love You!

I miss you so much Rico! Its moments that I find myself listening to for example this song. It reminds me of the time we shared. I really hope life does treat you kind and that you have all that you dreamed of. I wish you happiness & love. I will always love you! The beginning of the song talks about...if i should stay, I would only be in your (his) way so I'll go but I know I'll think of you every step of the way. It took me along time to realize that I was only enabling him even more. Part of me was scared that if I didn't keep helping him out that he would leave me. I know he does love me. I know that. I don't blame him for nothing. I don't regret the past nor do I wish to forget. He'll always be part of who I am today. He's made me a better person.

I'm really proud of myself. I'm living life the best that I can. I'm taking charge now and I'm doing it for myself. I realize that I need to be get on with my life and stop living for him. I was doing that. I was waiting and hoping things would get better. That he would change. I wanted him to change but I of all people should know that if didn't want to change then who was I to try and take control. I am beginning to understand. I'm understanding. Sometimes in life we need to let go and just believe and hope that everything that is today is the way it's supposed to be.

I'm sitting here writing this and listening to I Will Always Love You over and over and over. I think I'm allowed to let myself feel all these feelings. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm glad. I'm scared. I'm all these feelings right now. I'm sad cause I miss him. I'm angry for things that happened. I'm glad that I'm not with him anymore. I'm glad for all the happy times we spent together. I'm scared that I will never talk to him again. I'm scared that I will talk to him again. I'm just all these feelings right now. I'm going to feel them. I glad that I have outlets like this to feel them and not feel guilty for doing things that I will later feel shameful about.

I just miss him so much. God I pray that you continue to bless him and watch over him. God I pray that he gets better. God I pray that when the time is right the time will be right. God I pray that you will always take care of him. I wish him no harm. I want him to be happy and live life to his fullest, sober! I really want that for him. I want happiness for myself and if that means it's supposed to be that way then I can't question you and only you know what is best for the both of us. I have faith that one day you'll see him thru, when he's ready. I know God that when he is ready You'll be ready to accept him with open arms.

I will always love you Rico! Babyboy, I love you.

I'm sitting here at work waiting for Rico to call me again. We've been together for a year and half now and my feelings for him are still the same, I love him so much. Although things aren't picture perfect, I wouldn't change anything. I've always said, things in life happen for a reason. For whatever that maybe, I can't question it. Only God himself knows why and I can only go with it. Rico is in jail right now and it's been 3 days now. I want to bail him out but I'm afraid by doing so will only bring harm to him again. I've bailed him out before with the consequences only worsening so by choosing not to do so now, I believe it will only help him out in the long run. I know I can't control things but I can help the outcome a little. By our conversations over the last few days, I hear Rico wants help. He's finally realizing that. I can sit here and question it or trust that he really wants help. I have to put my faith in God and trust that everything is going to be ok. So by trusting God, I trust Rico.

It hurts so much. It hurts to see someone you love suffering from the disease of an addiction. I wish sometimes I could cure himself myself but I know that isn't so. He has to do for himself what I've done and countless many others have done for themselves in the past. I know that acceptance is the key. I accept that I'm an alcoholic, my life began to get better. I accept that my life became unmanageable by all things that I did and realize by choosing to do differently, I could live a different life. A healthier life. I have to be strong. I have to remind myself of that. I can't wave a magic wand and make Rico better, he has to do that for himself. I know he wants to live a better life. I remember I swore up and down that I wanted to do differently but somehow I didn't and chose to act out. What was the turning point? What made me so differently? What made me decide that it was going to be this time? Was it truely my bottom? I know we all have different bottoms. My bottom is different than your bottoms. We are all made different. I guess it comes down to faith and that I shouldn't question it. I should just trust God. Have faith. Have Rico pray for the willingness to be willing this time around and know that everything will be ok. I know that when I was told or suggested that I do this, everything seemed to change for the better. I know that I can't sponsor Rico. I know that. I can offer him the little that has been taught to me.

Per our conversation yesterday, one of things he told me was that he was really grateful that I was in his life today. God must have put me in his life for a reason and to have over 10 years of sobriety its really something. That meant alot to me as much as it did him. To realize that, it's the best gift anyone could have ever gotten. Words mean alot.

I know your listening God.......Lord Jesus Christ, I pray to you that you continue to bless Rico. Heal him in his time of need. Never let him forget the way he felt coming into jail as that will only help him in his sobriety. I pray that you help him in his addiction and that he goes to rehab this time and completes and lives a healthy life free from all mind altering chemicals. Bless him and let him know that he is loved! I love you Rico! You will make it thru this and come out on the opposite side healthier and stronger!

Today is one of those days where I can't control anything. Funny, huh? I especially can't control the way I feel. I can feel the pain ripping inside. How strong it is! Sometimes I feel I can't hold it in any longer and I cry rivers.....It seems I go about my business. i.e. work & listening to the radio and the memories are there. I don't want to forget him but sometimes the feelings are so intense. I've learned over the years to just feel them. It will pass eventually. I've had two episodes today and I'm okay. I didn't drink nor use and I'm going to get fucking thru this. I love Arturo! I really do. I want the best for him. But I want the best for me as well. We both want to remain friends and it hasn't been easy for the both of us but we've been thru alot and I love him and I know he loves me!

Today is one of those days where I can't control anything. Funny, huh? I especially can't control the way I feel. I can feel the pain ripping inside. How strong it is! Sometimes I feel I can't hold it in any longer and I cry rivers.....It seems I go about my business. i.e. work & listening to the radio and the memories are there. I don't want to forget him but sometimes the feelings are so intense. I've learned over the years to just feel them. It will pass eventually. I've had two episodes today and I'm okay. I didn't drink nor use and I'm going to get fucking thru this. I love Arturo! I really do. I want the best for him. But I want the best for me as well. We both want to remain friends and it hasn't been easy for the both of us but we've been thru alot and I love him and I know he loves me!

Why does it hurt so bad? Me duele basante! There are times that I think I can't go on. I know they are just thoughts.....Love hurts! I love this guy so much! Right now in this very moment....the pain is so great! But I'm feeling it. In the end of it I know it will make me a stronger a person.

It's been a long time since I've posted and I think it's a perfect way to let my feelings run free. It's been since the end of July since Arturo and I have been broken up but we're still friends and I still love him with all my heart. Our relationship, we're still friends. He wants to be friends still. And this is the first time in my life after breaking up with someone that I want to remain friends with someone after a breakup. It has been hard. The first time in my life that I'm telling myself that if you love someone so much why you can reach a point in your life where you can stay friends. He's taught me so much. And I believe I've taught him alot. I believe God has put us together for a reason and I don't know why but I just have to trust it and run with it. I didn't drink nor use so that is good. I'm still sober so that is good. I've been trying to get my ass in the swing of things and slowly but surely it's working. I've asked God for the willingness to be willingness and that is all it takes. It's worked in the past and I know it will work for me now. I love Arturo with all my heart. I care for him with all my heart. I want him to get sober. I know that I can't do it for him and that he has to do it for himself. I know that in God's time it will happen and I will continue to pray for him. I have faith that it will work. I have hope that it will come true. My dreams will come true. I want to be happy and I will be happy whether I'm with Arturo or not. I have to start looking out for my best interests. I want Arturo to be happy as well but I can't for him either.....I love you nena!